Friday, July 26, 2013


My dear Children,

Today when you left me at the nursing home with a promise to visit, I saw the tear in your eye. I love you so much but I don't want you to be so sad. Life has brought us to this crossroad and whatever comes next is welcomed.

The decision of my coming to this haven was one that was discussed way too long.  You analyzed, agonized, over a decision that if you had just asked me, I would have been here last week.

I need medical help you can't provide, and you can't afford. I need someone who will be stern with me and make me take my medicine, shower and move around. You always were too considerate of my feelings.

You could never go anywhere as a family because it would be too exhausting for me and you had to have someone come stay and make sure I didn't forget where I was or turn the stove on and forget that.  I cried inside every time I saw the want in your eyes and the denying of that want.

I had a full life and believe me, I left you home quite a bit, because in my era, fun, food and frolic was the main activity. I have regrets now about leaving you home so much while I had my selfish desires to take care of.  You still love me unconditionally so evidently the quality of time spent with you was refreshing.

I see the anger in your face sometime when I overstep my bounds and get into your business. Yet, you were always kinder than I was when my Mother-in-law would interfere.  I heard the clacking of your teeth and the constants sighs when you would suggest I do something  out of what I usually do.  I'm sorry for that and if I were truthful, a lot of times I knowingly did things to aggravate you because in my childish needs, I wanted more attention.

How many times do I regret when I made you feel guilty or acted a little sicker than I was just because your world was no longer about me. I remember plotting to cough louder in the morning to wake you up before your family got up. That way it would be just me and you.

You hated my smoking and loving my cocktail and I realize now, it wasn't the idea of me doing it, it was the needy way I was doing it. I didn't respect that other people needed to breathe or that the smell of smoke lingered until it was so foggy, the windows got opened. That was my life routine and I didn't want to change. I had forgotten one thing. There were people that cared about me, never asked me to change, just ask that maybe I could sit on the deck and maybe not put that extra shot of vodka that made me think you were still 15 years old and I was going to tell you what to do.

Please sit down with your children and because you love them, tell them that as you get older and if things start happening to your mind or body that they can't take care of, to do the humane thing and let you go to where you can get the care you need. I know we were raised that family  takes care of family but sometimes you have to know that the reality of the situation is totally different today.

I can love you just as much from here as I could there and I think now without us together every waking hour, we will find so much too  talk about, to laugh once again and I have a new place to fuss about. I love you, now let me go, smile and run to your life. Call and come by but do call first because you know the thing happening here.........
   THEY HAVE BINGO!!!   later.....