So long, my sister and friend, till later.

Today I look around and realizing that Linda Ellis's birthday is here brings all kinds of feelings to the front. It's been 5 months and I still find myself starting to say things to her that only she would understand and then I realize she is not here. I say them anyway and hope no one hears me. I miss her and miss that she is missing all the things that are happening. I grinned today knowing that she would love how the house is looking but also knowing it would have been a fight everyday as to how, why, and who would be doing what. She had a very strong personality, was very, very frugal so I'm sure some of the expense would have caused her some moments and us as well. I lovingly remember a blog that I wrote a few years back when we tried to surprise her with some changes she had said she wanted. Wanting them and having them didn't always mean the same to her. She loved change after it was changed but didn't like while it was being changed.

Dad even said that the changes were great but it also said, "Even though these were some of the changes Linda suggested, I bet she would have fussed about it for a month and then you could have done it." He got Linda's personality as well. A pure heart of gold but very firm in what she felt and thought. I think after losing her husband and then losing her girls, her holding onto things around her was a point of knowing the things were hers and she didn't have to lose them and feel that hurt again. We all understood that and let her pretty much be and do as she wished. She helped us all, loved us through good and bad and would call us to task in a heartbeat if we weren't playing the role of life as she saw it. Sometimes it was hard to get, hard to understand and hard to be the bad guys but it was Linda's world and we,in order to be part of the world that she would allow, played our parts.

I miss her, I love her and she will always be that intelligent, silly, woman of conviction, take no prisoners, right is right, wrong is wrong, liars and thieves are despicable, gives her last dollar to a homeless person, yen and yang of a true Pisces with her fish not only sometimes swimming in opposite directions, but fighting for the way each was going, sister of mine. I respect her and know that she is the only one in the family that could have given cancer the fight that she did. She was strong in her faith, in her knowing her body and in her want to live a little longer and that she did.

An inspiration to many, a jester to us all and a friend that was never wavering if she loved you. May she rest in peace knowing she left a void that no one can fill. God bless you, Linda and thank God I had the opportunity to grow up and rise up to things I had no idea I was capable of.heart emoticon

This is the blog I wrote about remodeling for her a few years back. It makes me grin knowing that during this phase, she was probably shaking her head and now is grinning.
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2011
"My sister's birthday is coming soon and since she won't accept gifts, I figured out the perfect thing to give her. I called my son and asked if I made a list of all the things I heard her say that she wanted done in the house, would he be willing to do them? He does excellent work and does not charge family members.....yet.

When he said yes, I made a list of things I was sure would please her....my second mistake. The first was when I got my son involved.

Her Internet always runs slow so why not upgrade the modem. A little time in the attic, a few changed receptacles and within a few hours, better Internet service. I did not realize the withdrawal from the Internet would cause such chaos. As she stood blocking her computer, nailing up the door to the attic and rewiring, taking the old modem and hiding it for future use, Maybe that should have been an indication she wasn't happy.

As my son is trying to get around her, making another trip to the hardware store, gets aggravated and tell her that because of not letting him do it the easy way, he was out $75.00 more. This, of course, was not a smart move on his part as now he has gone from THAT person who has invaded her space, to THAT MAN that yelled at her.

Many hours later, everyone is back on the Internet, everything moving along at a better pace. She is now happy and cannot understand why everyone around her is agitated.

The second project was taking the nails from the wall that a mirror had hung from by a chain. He put a new latch on the back, removed the chain, made sure it was done correctly and lo and behold....how were we to know she loved that chain. She retrieved it and probably will put more nails in the wall and hang it.

New windows put in the front, new security lights in the trees,
porch being redone. She has now hid his ladder, hid all the light bulbs and said too much light would show everything.

A new faucet is going into the kitchen. She was asked as to which one she preferred. Her reply, "the old one". I explained that this was the identical model but that it just didn't leak. She called us disposable people with no care of quality things.

My son said that he would give her anything she wanted if he could just not have to do anything that required changing anything around her. So tomorrow, I'm sure the old modem will be back, the chain will be back and the satisfaction that she won a pissing contest with a man will make her birthday a very happy one.

..and the beat goes on.

Coming Home Today...

Squeeze our hand Lord
Let us know your're here.
The Lights have gone out
We lost ones so dear.

Tell us the Reason
Make us understand why.
If we're to rejoice
Why do we cry?

Did you need them
For some special task?
We don't mean to question,
We just had to ask.

They are so young
They lived a short life.
Were you trying to spare them

From this turmoil and strife?

We'd asked them please
To take Life slow.
But Dear God, Understand
How could we know.

Give us a hand
To bear this pain.
Take away the anger
Help keep us Sane.

If we're to learn
Some lesson from this
Make it an easy one
Leave some happiness.

We believe in you
And You've had your way.
Thank you for our time with them
......They're coming home today..<3

Fighting the Devil-I got this one!!!

I've been challenged by the Devil to a boxing match again. Our history in the ring has been one of tears, cheers, hate,and appreciate. I had very little training our first few matches but now that I have walked through his gates of fire, I am ready for this win.

Trash Talking is part of the secret of making the devil step aside.  "Hey, Devil, hope you know who you are dealing with. I have let you tempt me in the past, accepted some of your evilness but enough is enough. The first time when you threw a right hook, you took my daughter and nieces and nephew from us but Angels stepped in and took that punch.

The second time you hit me with a left jab and took my Mother and dear Aunts and Uncles with your evil diseases but Angels stepped in and took that punch.

This time you aren't punching, you are pushing and trying to make my sister suffer from that horrid cancer you put upon her.  Well, this time we are ready for you. Not only is she filled with the Grace of God, she is a much tougher opponent then I am so we tag teamed and Devil, you will not even see us coming.

God is taking this punch."

Washing Dishes by hand, hold-out!!!!

I unwrapped the big box and between thrill and shock  was a tear for a time I knew would be passing soon. A big, beautiful dishwasher stared at me from the wrapping paper and I oohed and ahhed as a small tear tried to make its way down my cheek.

It took another week to get it installed and as the excitement mounted for my using it the first time, I made sure to dirty a lot of dishes for my final washing by hand.

I'm probably the only human being in the world to absolutely love washing dishes. Over the years getting to the dirty dishes in the sink has given me that rare moment of time to think, to reminisce over wonderful and sad moments in my life, to be totally undisturbed by husbands, children or dogs because they were all afraid I'd make them do the dishes.  The sink knows my every thought and has handled more problems than most psychiatrist get in a year. I kept it polished, bought beautiful fixtures to adorn it as it was my sanctuary in life. Running water would drown out my sobs or my laughter, steam would make me think of a spa, cold would make me feel cool in the hottest heat.

I did one last wash and I told my friend I would still be there everyday but maybe not for as long. Changes have to come and I would still need the sink for vegetable washing, soakings, draining and so many things and it would now always be free of dishes to be used for other things.

The big dishwasher has now gone through it's first cycle and it was so quiet.  The dishes were sparkling clean and the smell was pleasant emanating from the opened door.  I did notice while the dishwasher was doing the dishes, I had time to sweep and mop the floor after I had wiped down all the cabinets. This was a plus so far.  I took the time I usually think my thoughts at the sink and used it to actually talk to others about what was bothering me. Interesting concept and maybe I won't have so much to think about.

So, hello, new friend and sometimes when I am loading you, I may mutter under my breath until I feel comfortable enough in knowing you to let you in on my thoughts. We will work together to make this union work and this creature of habit will embrace this change with open arms.

Stay with me, Rose!

A chill in the air and something seems not right.  In this change of season, I see such a change in the lives of all the things I hold so dear.

My beautiful Rose that has weathered so many storms and always stood so proudly in the center of the garden now has started to bend. The once thorny stem that warded off all intruders or anything to hurt was becoming softer to the touch.

The petals of the Rose that were always perfectly formed and was admired by all is now not holding the heart of the rose as tight and one by one the petals are wilting and falling.

Wanting so hard to keep the beauty of the rose through one more season, everything possible was done but no matter what, the Rose has started withering and the branch is slowly drying up. The Rose, being so proud, has allowed all the treatment given and has tried so valiantly to keep enough life as to bloom once again.

I watch, I wait and I hope that the remaining petals stay intact and as I watch, a tear comes to my eye. I need that Rose to be intact because I am not the Gardener that I want to be if I lose that rose.

I MOVED INTO A NURSING HOME-CALL FIRST!!

My dear Children,

Today when you left me at the nursing home with a promise to visit, I saw the tear in your eye. I love you so much but I don't want you to be so sad. Life has brought us to this crossroad and whatever comes next is welcomed.

The decision of my coming to this haven was one that was discussed way too long.  You analyzed, agonized, over a decision that if you had just asked me, I would have been here last week.

I need medical help you can't provide, and you can't afford. I need someone who will be stern with me and make me take my medicine, shower and move around. You always were too considerate of my feelings.

You could never go anywhere as a family because it would be too exhausting for me and you had to have someone come stay and make sure I didn't forget where I was or turn the stove on and forget that.  I cried inside every time I saw the want in your eyes and the denying of that want.

I had a full life and believe me, I left you home quite a bit, because in my era, fun, food and frolic was the main activity. I have regrets now about leaving you home so much while I had my selfish desires to take care of.  You still love me unconditionally so evidently the quality of time spent with you was refreshing.

I see the anger in your face sometime when I overstep my bounds and get into your business. Yet, you were always kinder than I was when my Mother-in-law would interfere.  I heard the clacking of your teeth and the constants sighs when you would suggest I do something  out of what I usually do.  I'm sorry for that and if I were truthful, a lot of times I knowingly did things to aggravate you because in my childish needs, I wanted more attention.

How many times do I regret when I made you feel guilty or acted a little sicker than I was just because your world was no longer about me. I remember plotting to cough louder in the morning to wake you up before your family got up. That way it would be just me and you.

You hated my smoking and loving my cocktail and I realize now, it wasn't the idea of me doing it, it was the needy way I was doing it. I didn't respect that other people needed to breathe or that the smell of smoke lingered until it was so foggy, the windows got opened. That was my life routine and I didn't want to change. I had forgotten one thing. There were people that cared about me, never asked me to change, just ask that maybe I could sit on the deck and maybe not put that extra shot of vodka that made me think you were still 15 years old and I was going to tell you what to do.

Please sit down with your children and because you love them, tell them that as you get older and if things start happening to your mind or body that they can't take care of, to do the humane thing and let you go to where you can get the care you need. I know we were raised that family  takes care of family but sometimes you have to know that the reality of the situation is totally different today.

I can love you just as much from here as I could there and I think now without us together every waking hour, we will find so much too  talk about, to laugh once again and I have a new place to fuss about. I love you, now let me go, smile and run to your life. Call and come by but do call first because you know the thing happening here.........
   THEY HAVE BINGO!!!   later.....

HUMAN RESOURCE-MAY WE HELP??? NO!!!!!!!!!

In the Corporate world, nothing is done to correct, reprimand or just write up an employee without going thru the politically savvy Human Resource Department.  When I say, politically correct, It sounds like the Step-ford family reunion..Everyone talks the same and if you need to report an incident, make sure your verbiage is correct or by the time you go through all the politically correct steps, the incident could be long forgotten or it's much too late.

My boss asked me to please write the Department to voice my complaint  about the employee she was writing up.  To me, if you have a legitimate reason and you are the boss, no other explanation should be needed.

I write the explanation and it was downhill from there. An employee spoke to me in a threatening (Not the correct word, so I was told) manner that was extremely hostile, (another incorrect word) and I submitted it to Human resources. Here is their response on the phone.

"Good afternoon, I received your eloquent, well place paragraphs, voicing your response about a fellow employee. Perhaps, before we get into the reason for the write up,  let's think about a few words we used.  You used the word threatening as he was standing over you in the office. Was he standing to the left or right or right or in the middle? When you said ,'banging his fist into the palm of his hand, ' was it the left hand or the right?. And, when you said, banging,' was it a fist or an open hand?' You used the word hostile, do you know him well enough to know how his demeanor usually is? Perhaps he was just being loud because of an ear stoppage? 

You must really choose your words carefully as you know how it is today!  Let's take a timeout to rethink the letter and get back to us with the changes."

The same employee, on another day, starts acting, threatening, came toward me to hit me and
my boss is yelling ,"Call Human resource and tell them.!"

I made a call alright........"hello, 911, I need you now!!!!"

  I have since been fired for not following procedure!  :)